My Novel

[The Counter Cultist(Sawyer)]

For the past two years I've been working on a Sci-fi Series by the name of First Contact. I have the whole series planned out and am currently writing my first draft of the first book.

The basic plot of the first book, Humans have conqured the stars and have many colonies across the galaxy. Their most notable achievment is the Arkham Station, a gigantic space station located on the outskirts of a location known as the Ion Nebula, the purpose of the station, weapons testing, as well as probing the secrets of the anomaly. Then one day the station stops sending reports and goes dark. In order to protect their interests the human government sends the recently completed battleship Aleksander to investigate, aboard the massive warship is Humanity's best team of Spec-Ops, guided along by a assigned scientist their mission is to investigate the station and determine any damage. However they will soon discover a deadly foe, an unlikley ally and a secret that will change humanity as we know it...
For they have made First Contact.

So what do you guys think, I can put the first chapter up here if you like....

Just please comment, flame, whatever it is you want to do.

[James]

While Sci-fi isn't something I read much of, it sounds like an alright idea. With just a paragraph though I can't really say much more.

[The Counter Cultist(Sawyer)]

I can put my first draft of the first chapter like added in their, I actually haven't written a prologue for it yet strangley.

Really I was pressed for time when I posted this I wanted to put characters and the such but I couldn't find my sheets I made for them.

[James]

Well if you want to put your first chapter up I'll give it a read and post my opinions.

*pull out glasses which I don't actually need*

[The Counter Cultist(Sawyer)]

Chapter 1: Gearing Up
R.B.S Aleksander: Cryo Bay Three
He awoke in utter bliss, a woman was massaging his shoulders, he lay in a tub of perfectly hot water, a calender lay on the wall, it said September 17th 2012, he smiled it was perfect.
Then It Disappeared.
He awoke for real this time, groping almost blind he attempted to get up, only to fall out of the casket like tube he was in, he hacked a few times and vomited some sort of fluid on the floor. He felt a pair of hands attempting to help him up. A voice spoke, it echoed throughout his head like a migraine.
"Lea?" It spoke, "You alright?" He thought he recognized the voice, he must still be dreaming, he knew in a minute he would wake up and it would still be 2012. But he didn't wake up, and he knew it was hopeless, he wasn't in the year 2012, it was closer to 2234, and there was no way it would ever be 2012 again.
"Lea!", Another voice, "Come on snap out of it!", Lea shook his head and blinked a few times, the room came into focus, standing in front of him shining a light in his eyes was a women who appeared to be in her late forties dressed in a lab coat. He felt a pair of strong hands keep him balanced. He blinked at the light.
"Thank God" The woman said, "That has got to be the worse case of cryo lag I have ever seen, almost thought you wouldn't wake up!" Lea allowed a weak smile to come across his face.
"Didn't think you would be one to miss me Doc." He said, "Thanks for the support Jack." A chuckle came from a pair of hands behind him.
"Always glad to be of service Boss.", The voice said, "Don't want my C.O falling down and breaking his neck, otherwise they'd put me in charge.", Both men laughed and Lea broke away from the man's grip, he leaned on the refresher sink next to him and peered into the mirror. While his face was normally pale, this was a much whiter shade, in his normal look he at least looked alive, but the face staring back was gaunt and damn near lifeless. He saw his second in command Jack Spade looking at him through the mirror.
"You look horrible boss" He said chuckling. Lea scowled and responded in typical military fashion.
"Stow it Sergeant, is everyone else up?" Jack snapped to attention.
"Sir yes sir!" He said, "In the armory and gearing up." Lea nodded.
"Good." He said, "Join them, I'll be with you in a few minutes." The Sergeant saluted and walked off. Lea smiled, that was what he liked about Jack, while he had his joker moments, the man was a good loyal soldier through and through. Smiling he threw some warm water on his face and took a good look in the mirror. Shaking his head he turned to find a shirt awaiting him, putting it on he began his walk to the armory.
"I need to get a girlfriend" The marine remarked as he exited the cryo bay.

R.B.S Aleksander Special Teams Armory/Hangar Bay.

Special-Ops Unit 20345-A or as many liked to call them, Alpha Wave. They were the best and brightest the United Earth Republic had to offer. That was they were on this mission. A few of the more notable members, Corporal Sarah Trenton, born into a rich family who thought she would honor the family tradition of running the Trenton Corporation. To their horror she enlisted and quickly became known for her speed, making her an excellent scout. She quickly joined Alpha Wave at the recommendation of her C.O. Privates Alex and Jake Warren, the twin brother's did everything together, they even enlisted together and were recruited into Alpha Wave together, together they were unstoppable. Corporal Thomas Renton was the groups vehicle and demolitions expert, an artist behind the wheel and a master at placing groups of charges in symphonic harmony. Sgt. Jack Spade, a master of the ways of the shotgun and a fan of old revolver weapons he is the groups close range expert.
Finally Lieutenant Lea Seron, a brilliant leader and a master tactician Lea is the reason Alpha Wave's loss count is seemingly non-existent. Right now the group is preparing for their mission into the Arkham Station, a massive R and D space lab. 5 days ago the station went dark and no one knows why, Alpha Wave was dispatched to assess the damage and any possible threat.
Lea was in the middle of customizing hiss rifle to a favored style, when he noticed a young girl standing over a cargo crate, checking and and gathering equipment, tapping Jack on the shoulder he nodded in her direction.
"She the scientist?" When Jack nodded he got up and walked over to her, coming from behind he said.
"Hello?" The scientist jumped and nearly dropped a piece of equipment, Lea was quick to react and grab it before it hit the ground.
"Sorry, if I scared you!" He said, she was standing their, looking all to timid, Lea suppressed a smile. He held out the device.
"No, no it's OK it was my fault." She said grabbing the device, once she put it in the bag she turned around and held out her hand. "Professor Rene Aleara", Lea accepted the hand and shook it.
"Lieutenant Lea Seron First Class." He responded, her hand was shaking he observed, he noted she had a gun in a hip holster but she didn't look very comfortable with it there. "You know how to use that?", The professor looked down.
"Kinda, I've had to defend myself a couple of time in the past so I should be fine." Lea breathed a sigh of relief, the last thing he wanted was a scientist who couldn't defend herself.
"Just be sure not to hit any of-" He was cut off by an alarm sounding, the mission was clear and they were ready. Turning around he called out to the his troops.
"ALRIGHT PEOPLE WE"RE READY TO MOVE IN 10 I WANT YOU ALL IN THE GUNSHIPS IN 5!", The troops moved rather quickly grabbing their gear and helmets for this mission they were using black out gear in case of radiation, Rene grabbed her bag and ran to the hangar room. Lea couldn't help but notice the way she ran and smiled. If he was going to be on this mission with her it was going to be a good day. He ran to the his gunship and walked in as the door sealed shut behind him, the lights immediately went out and it was replaced by the red glow of an infared light. The pilots sent a message from the front.
"Strap in boys and girls we are leaving now." Lea sat down in between Rene and Jack putting his helmet on, the shoulder clamps locked down and Rene tensed up and gripped his hand, facing each other quickly Rene let go. While they couldn't see each other's faces Rene could somehow tell that behind the blackout helmet he was giving her some kind of calming look, Rene calmed and felt as the ship shuddered and took off.
Their mission had begun....

((As you can see I still need to do a little work on this, I already have some ideas for the editing phase but some constructive criticism would be appreciated.))

[James]

*puts glasses on*

Well first thing first. While a book should be set up with indents and not a space between paragraphs, you'll find that most websites mess indenting up. I actually suggest writing with spaces between paragraphs anyway since it's slightly easier on the eyes when writing I find. So we get something more like:

Jan 7, 2009 22:23:03 GMT -5 The Counter Cultist(Sawyer) said:

Chapter 1: Gearing Up
R.B.S Aleksander: Cryo Bay Three

He awoke in utter bliss, a woman was massaging his shoulders, he lay in a tub of perfectly hot water, a calender lay on the wall, it said September 17th 2012, he smiled it was perfect.

Then It Disappeared.

He awoke for real this time, groping almost blind he attempted to get up, only to fall out of the casket like tube he was in, he hacked a few times and vomited some sort of fluid on the floor. He felt a pair of hands attempting to help him up. A voice spoke, it echoed throughout his head like a migraine.

"Lea?" It spoke, "You alright?" He thought he recognized the voice, he must still be dreaming, he knew in a minute he would wake up and it would still be 2012. But he didn't wake up, and he knew it was hopeless, he wasn't in the year 2012, it was closer to 2234, and there was no way it would ever be 2012 again.

"Lea!", Another voice, "Come on snap out of it!", Lea shook his head and blinked a few times, the room came into focus, standing in front of him shining a light in his eyes was a women who appeared to be in her late forties dressed in a lab coat. He felt a pair of strong hands keep him balanced. He blinked at the light.

"Thank God" The woman said, "That has got to be the worse case of cryo lag I have ever seen, almost thought you wouldn't wake up!" Lea allowed a weak smile to come across his face.

"Didn't think you would be one to miss me Doc." He said, "Thanks for the support Jack." A chuckle came from a pair of hands behind him.

"Always glad to be of service Boss.", The voice said, "Don't want my C.O falling down and breaking his neck, otherwise they'd put me in charge.", Both men laughed and Lea broke away from the man's grip, he leaned on the refresher sink next to him and peered into the mirror. While his face was normally pale, this was a much whiter shade, in his normal look he at least looked alive, but the face staring back was gaunt and damn near lifeless. He saw his second in command Jack Spade looking at him through the mirror.

"You look horrible boss" He said chuckling. Lea scowled and responded in typical military fashion.

"Stow it Sergeant, is everyone else up?" Jack snapped to attention.

"Sir yes sir!" He said, "In the armory and gearing up." Lea nodded.

"Good." He said, "Join them, I'll be with you in a few minutes." The Sergeant saluted and walked off. Lea smiled, that was what he liked about Jack, while he had his joker moments, the man was a good loyal soldier through and through. Smiling he threw some warm water on his face and took a good look in the mirror. Shaking his head he turned to find a shirt awaiting him, putting it on he began his walk to the armory.

"I need to get a girlfriend" The marine remarked as he exited the cryo bay.

R.B.S Aleksander Special Teams Armory/Hangar Bay.

Special-Ops Unit 20345-A or as many liked to call them, Alpha Wave. They were the best and brightest the United Earth Republic had to offer. That was they were on this mission. A few of the more notable members, Corporal Sarah Trenton, born into a rich family who thought she would honor the family tradition of running the Trenton Corporation. To their horror she enlisted and quickly became known for her speed, making her an excellent scout. She quickly joined Alpha Wave at the recommendation of her C.O. Privates Alex and Jake Warren, the twin brother's did everything together, they even enlisted together and were recruited into Alpha Wave together, together they were unstoppable. Corporal Thomas Renton was the groups vehicle and demolitions expert, an artist behind the wheel and a master at placing groups of charges in symphonic harmony. Sgt. Jack Spade, a master of the ways of the shotgun and a fan of old revolver weapons he is the groups close range expert.

Finally Lieutenant Lea Seron, a brilliant leader and a master tactician Lea is the reason Alpha Wave's loss count is seemingly non-existent. Right now the group is preparing for their mission into the Arkham Station, a massive R and D space lab. 5 days ago the station went dark and no one knows why, Alpha Wave was dispatched to assess the damage and any possible threat.

Lea was in the middle of customizing hiss rifle to a favored style, when he noticed a young girl standing over a cargo crate, checking and and gathering equipment, tapping Jack on the shoulder he nodded in her direction.

"She the scientist?" When Jack nodded he got up and walked over to her, coming from behind he said.

"Hello?" The scientist jumped and nearly dropped a piece of equipment, Lea was quick to react and grab it before it hit the ground.

"Sorry, if I scared you!" He said, she was standing their, looking all to timid, Lea suppressed a smile. He held out the device.

"No, no it's OK it was my fault." She said grabbing the device, once she put it in the bag she turned around and held out her hand. "Professor Rene Aleara", Lea accepted the hand and shook it.

"Lieutenant Lea Seron First Class." He responded, her hand was shaking he observed, he noted she had a gun in a hip holster but she didn't look very comfortable with it there. "You know how to use that?", The professor looked down.

"Kinda, I've had to defend myself a couple of time in the past so I should be fine." Lea breathed a sigh of relief, the last thing he wanted was a scientist who couldn't defend herself.

"Just be sure not to hit any of-" He was cut off by an alarm sounding, the mission was clear and they were ready. Turning around he called out to the his troops.

"ALRIGHT PEOPLE WE"RE READY TO MOVE IN 10 I WANT YOU ALL IN THE GUNSHIPS IN 5!", The troops moved rather quickly grabbing their gear and helmets for this mission they were using black out gear in case of radiation, Rene grabbed her bag and ran to the hangar room. Lea couldn't help but notice the way she ran and smiled. If he was going to be on this mission with her it was going to be a good day. He ran to the his gunship and walked in as the door sealed shut behind him, the lights immediately went out and it was replaced by the red glow of an infared light. The pilots sent a message from the front.

"Strap in boys and girls we are leaving now." Lea sat down in between Rene and Jack putting his helmet on, the shoulder clamps locked down and Rene tensed up and gripped his hand, facing each other quickly Rene let go. While they couldn't see each other's faces Rene could somehow tell that behind the blackout helmet he was giving her some kind of calming look, Rene calmed and felt as the ship shuddered and took off.
Their mission had begun....

Ok. Now first things first general impression. It has potential, although again not too much to go off. The story sounds intriguing and that's always good. Now there's a few things that I picked up on through the reading.

You sort of switched between perspectives during the middle. You went from Third Person Limited, where we were following Lea's thoughts, to Third Person Omni, where we were basically God looking down at everyone's history. That can easily be fixed by just having Lea thinking about his crew and their history.

Watch out for repeating the same word close together in a setence, this is a flaw of mine as well. I.e you used calming and calmed within three words of each other and it doesn't flow right.

Thirdly perhaps a little more description. It's very "Run here and then we run here and then here!". Instead you could go "Run here and describe the place we're in and then we run here while we delve into Lea's thoughts and then here!" You need to add some flair!

Other than that it's just grammar mistakes and general flow of writing, which will be hopefully picked up during the editing process.

Hope I have helped.

Edit:

Oh yeah, always spell numbers. Ten, five not 10, 5.

[The Counter Cultist(Sawyer)]

A little taste of Chapter 2

Lea cursed slightly at the bloody site in the room, he could hear Rene, wretching behind him. He turned to Sarah,

"Get her out of here." Trenton nodded and led Rene out of the room, lowering his rifle and motioning Jack to follow him he walked into the lab. The room was small, so just by walking a few inches in you could tell it was secure, but inside Lea wished it was a larger room.

Blood covered the walls, and ceiling and it was spilled across the floor, three mangled bodies lay in the corner clutching eachother, what ever killed them had been both strong and vicious enough to rip shreds out of their clothing and skin. Picking two I.D. cards up he read the name and keyed his mic to the channel.
"Adrimal, we have confirmed collateral damage, I got a Docter Jessica Watson, and a Doctor Steve Watson, most likely a married couple, no I.D. on the third body.", He saw Jack key his mic.
"Sir, Judging from the bone structure of the John Doe, it may have been a small child-no older than eight-families are allowed to bring a max of two children as long as they're supervised, and the kids don't have I.D. Tags." He saw Jack lower his head in prayer, Lea gritted his teeth,

"Sir, nothing human did this, maybe some experiment broke loose due to power troubles I don't care how bad the Arkham Corp. sues us...permission for Search and Destroy secondary objective." Their was silence on the mic, until.

"Permission granted Lieutenant, if you see anything that doesn't walk on two legs and that has more than two arms, fill it with more holes than a slice of Swiss Cheese.", While the Adrimal's remark could have been mistaken for anything besides a dangerous gentic experiment, the squad got the message.

Lea walked out and went to where Rene was sitting, he leaned down and stared in the eye.

"We need to level Professor, I don't care if it's top secret, I want to know if their was any genetic experimentation going on here!" He snarled, Rene looked surprized.

"No of course not." She said, "This station was goverened by the Republic, even though companies like Arkham and Trenton Corp. own sections, the Republic would kick them out if they started any genetic research." Lea breathed a contented sigh, he helped her up and noted how pale she looked.

"Was that your first time seeing a dead body?" He asked, when she nodded, patted her back softly and said quietly.
"Trust me, you'll want it to be your last.", Turning to Jack and Sarah he gave a quick order,
"Go back to the Hangar and regroup with the rest of the squad, Jack you are in charge, I'm going with Professor Aleara to the lab she needs to see for data extraction." Both soldiers nodded in acknolowedment, and ran off. Lea turned to Rene and motioned her to follow him, while walking past it he tossed an incendinary grenade into the lab with the dead bodies, the fire extinguishers would go off, but not until after the mangled bodies had turned to ashes. Ignoring the confused look the scientist gave him and muttering Psalm 23 under his breath he continued on down the hall.

((Kinda short, but that's only a small section.)