Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Post by Allya on May 21, 2012 10:04:03 GMT -5
Pushing Through
I found a crack in painted stone
And pushed my body through
I’ll drink of smog filtered sun
And sup on drops of dew
Steps will graze my outstretched arms
The heat will bow my head
Poison will bleach my colored charms
Sprung from the beasts you’ve led
But I shall live here on the ground
Hoping that in time
Kind eyes will come smiling down
And find a blossom in the grime
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on May 23, 2012 1:54:26 GMT -5
Reviews: [/center]
Silva
Creativity - 5/5 Spelling and Grammar - 4/5 Entertainment - 5/5 Quality - 5/5 Total -- 19/20 There were a couple of sentences early on that I had a little trouble reading and I did catch at least two grammatical errors. It wasn't the smooth start every reader wants but it didn't ruin the read. I like the setting it gave though. You pulled it right down in to the dirt from the start. No crow, nor vulture nor raven soared < wasn't sure about this sentence in particular. Using two -nor-'s in one sentence felt a bit clunky; although I did like the addition on the end of the sentence about them being flightless monstrosities now! A singer in a sequined gown of red stood, hugging the microphone to his fake breasts as he crooned out a melody in his altered voice. < Loved how gritty this was. The story was easy to follow, although I did find myself questioning just exactly what the main character was doing and what he was supposed to be doing? Fantastic ending though. I got my answer. I got everything I wanted. I almost wanted more talk between Dennis and Terence but that might have cheapened it. Using the orange – brilliant! I'd love to see you clean this up just a smidge and expand on it further. Wish I could give you 6/5 for creativity because I feel this was worth it. AllyaCreativity - 2/5 Spelling and Grammar - 5/5 Entertainment - 3/5 Quality - 5/5 Total -- 15/20 Really simple and oddly beautiful. I liked it for the simplicity and image. However, did it gather up the grimy, gritty, horrible, slimy, ick? … I don't know. There was pollution but it wasn't squishy. There was a real opportunity to delve right into the descriptions and create something that could turn somebody's stomach but it was avoided. Poetry would had leant itself to the more mind twisting as well. A flower bursting through pavement and pollution, though beautiful and resounding, isn't the most original idea. I liked it but I would have liked to have seen a more creative piece. 1st Silva: 19
2nd Allya: 15 |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on May 23, 2012 1:54:48 GMT -5
New & Last Topic: You must use this sentence somewhere in your story: "Just give them the teapot, dear."[/center] |
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Allya
Senior Scribe
My Little Monster!
Posts: 2,271
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Post by Allya on May 29, 2012 9:48:56 GMT -5
Newspapers piled to the ceiling; my records of days passed.
Bags of clothing mask the windows, sending in low colored sunlight.
I dart through narrow passages toward my kitchen / porcelain collectibles.
With furtive hand, I grab hold of a small pumpkin shaped teapot.
I rush to the bedroom and hide beside the bed piled high with plush friends.
She finds me there, the leader of this smiling, antiseptic crew.
They’re here to “help me” by stripping me bare.
I clutch the pumpkin as she leads me out into the sunlight.
Their trucks beep and roar as they back into my grass.
Soon the yard will be filled with the contents of my house.
And she is there looking both triumphant and concerned.
It has taken her years to move my feet to this step.
She takes my hand and whispers,
“Just give them the teapot, dear.”
I feel lighter as it leaves me.
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Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on May 29, 2012 10:41:14 GMT -5
Briefly, I wondered how I got into this position. Here I was, standing in the middle of a dusty tomb from the days when the Earth was more than a barren wasteland. I was clutching a piece of ancient pottery and staring down the barrel of a pistol into the eyes of my killers. Four men, three in body armory and faceless visors and the fourth in the simple, yet richly made clothing of an aristocrat. I remembered, for the moment, that this all could have been avoided if I had listened to my assistant three hours ago.
“Just give them the teapot, dear.”
The aristocrat had an apologetic expression on his face as the gun fired and my world went from red to black. As darkness began to consume me, I thought to myself, Who would kill over a teapot?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2012 18:55:39 GMT -5
Audio recording enabled
3:22 P.M. Earth Standard Time
August 22nd, 2 P.E. (post-entry)
Interviewer: Cpt Adam Sokochas
Subject: Dhygora-Hau; name withheld for safety
Subject: I am not sure what you want for me to say that our representative has not already said. I will reiterate what has been said, for now.
Adam: Just start there, please.
Subject: You know the cosmos is composed of an infinite number of universes, all branching off from each other and forming perfect copies, save for the single quantum-level difference?
Adam: Of course.
Subject: Therefore, there must have been one to begin the chain since the, how do you say... Big Bang?
Adam: I follow you.
Subject: This is that universe.
Adam: And all the other aliens here, are they native to this universe as well?
Subject: They are not. Like your kind, they fled the destruction of their own universe, whether by "freezing" or "crunching" as you put it.
Adam: Why do we all end up in the same place?
Subject: I cannot answer that. What is your aeons-old saying, all roads lead to Rome?
Adam: Doesn't explain why we ended up -here-, though.
Subject: Perhaps for similar reasons as the roads to Rome.
Adam: You know a fair deal about our ancient times, X.
Subject: Well, you came with that moon-sized library in tow; different computing language though it may be, our kind were ancient when your ancestors were protoplasmic slime. It would shameful if we could not uncover your ways.
Adam: So how did you learn our speaking languages so quickly?
Subject: We do not process information the same as you do, it seems. Yours is largely based on neurons, but ours is something altogether different.
Adam: Are there any language parallels that could describe what that "something" is?
Subject: Not in your tongues, no.
Adam: Hrm..
Subject: Quite truthfully, I had made a laughable error in contacting your kind at first. Rather than greet you in a way proper to your language, I had said "Just give them the teapot, dear."
Adam: How did you go from a greeting to that?
Subject: I don't know what a teapot is, and your subject of "them" was difficult to place.
Adam: So, being so new to this universe, what can you tell us?
Subject: Oh, as the custodians of these stars, it is our duty to welcome and guide all new peoples who come to us.
Adam: I imagine your people will have alot to tell us then?
Subject: If you want to hear the whole story...
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on May 30, 2012 17:00:55 GMT -5
Allya[/u] Creativity - 4/5 Spelling and Grammar - 4/5 Entertainment - 5/5 Quality - 4/5 Total -- 17/20 Now? Now you finally come up with the grime I wanted for the last round? Heh. Beautiful descriptions although I wanted a few more than you actually gave! It was a hoarder, yes? I liked how you decided to go with this topic. Hoarding is become a big thing that a lot of people are turning on to now. The antiseptic crew comment made me smile. The only dislike I had was word choice in a few places that I just wasn't sure about: the leader of this smiling, -and- Their trucks beep and. Nothing major but it wasn't smooth for me. Silva[/u] Creativity - 5/5 Spelling and Grammar - 4/5 Entertainment - 5/5 Quality - 4/5 Total -- 18/20 You brought the a-game. Simple and sweet flash fiction – almost, if it wasn't for some of the wasted word space. The short story that fits into an egg-cup. It flowed easily despite the extra wordage. I liked the story that it implied but that you didn't divulge to us. The Indian Jones feel to it was just perfect. It even had the morbid and tense feel of regret to it without over playing it. No major complaints … but one does wonder why his assistant would call him "Dear"? Unless you are hinting at the assistant being his lover or other but the hint was weak. It's the only bit of the story that didn't quite fit. Mac[/u] Creativity - 5/5 Spelling and Grammar - 4/5 Entertainment - 5/5 Quality - 5/5 Total -- 19/20 The story made me chuckle. I was absolutely suckered in and right up until the end I couldn't see how you were going to use the sentence. It's definitely the most creative entry to this round. It's very unusual to see a script style entry as well. Good to see a few people trying something new. The only complaint here was the slightly difficult sentences towards the beginning. You didn't hurt the story at all by not having the descriptions … they weren't really needed. The alien was also cool enough to not entirely fit the cliché, in my eyes, and wasn't over played completed which would be the temptation here. FINAL ROUND LINE-UP:
1st Mac: 19
2nd Silva: 18
Allya: 17
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