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Post by James on Nov 21, 2010 18:15:55 GMT -5
Cheers, Mel. Will definitely have a look into what you said, keep them in mind for the editing stage later on.
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Post by James on Jan 22, 2011 5:09:50 GMT -5
((Just a little newspaper article that crops up as Colin & Co flees towards London.)) TOWN IN PANIC - POLICE AT A LOSS
MASS MURDERER IN TRANQUIL HOMELY AREA
By Sean Beck Terror erupted yesterday as the local police force was left completely inept at the skill of a vicious unknown killer. Sometime during the afternoon, upon Montifury Street, a Ms Edith White was violently attacked and killed within her own home. While the men in uniform attempted to keep secret the details, it is believed that she was stabbed multiple times before being bludgeoned to death, several litres of blood was found at the scene. Furthermore, her two adoptive grandchildren, Robert Milner and Louise White, have gone missing, the police not finding a crucial lead on their whereabouts until several hours too late. It is unknown whether they are also being hunted or have already been killed but their rooms were said to have been viciously torn apart.
If this failure by our current protectors was not enough, they then received several calls about a disturbance in the local King's Park. Numerous trees and much of the parkland's grass have been burnt to a crisp during either last night's storm or more likely through the actions of a deranged, and dangerous, arsonist. Eventually the officers in pursuit were able to catch the murderer of Ms Edith White, but in a tragic level of incompetence, he managed to fight himself free, killing four police officers in the process.
Refusing to comment and hopelessly out of their depth, the Police Local Commissioner has apparently sought a referral to a DCI Thomas Collingwood of New Scotland Yard, who is held in the greatest respect by his colleagues. However delving into his mysterious rise through the ranks, this paper has understood that he is considered a nut job by many, hardly capable of speech, believing in many eccentric theories and frequently having his cases end in more chaos than originally found.
More on Page 2. [/i] [/blockquote] |
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Post by James on Feb 19, 2011 19:07:56 GMT -5
Introducing Vincent 'Vinnie' Spencer and DCI Collingwood. “Well, they got to work quickly,” Vinnie said, catching sight of the numerous body bags being carried out from Natalie’s home.
The street was crammed with police trucks and ambulances, numerous uniformed officers jotting down words within notebooks and talking animatedly into mobile phones. A row of long white bags already lined the pavement, disfigured corpses hidden just from view, and several abandoned cars were being carefully torn apart. All around neighbours watched from behind garden fences or living room windows, fear etched across their faces.
“Something this big gives them no choice, if they don’t act quickly then the media tears us apart,” DCI Collingwood said, bringing the car to a stop just behind a police livery decorated Vauxhall. “On a similar point, can you behave this time?”
“This time?” Vinnie smiled. “You make it sound like I don’t usually.”
Vinnie caught the raised eyebrows of DCI Collingwood, before the detective swung open his door and stepped out from the car. Vinnie closely followed, wrapping his coat closer to his body in the brisk early morning bite, and gave another glance of the road in front of Natalie’s home. Nothing seemed out of place, magically anyway. He was sure the rest of the scene was completely abnormal for a quiet street on the outskirts of London.
“Collingwood, what are you doing here?” an officer called besides the boundary of the police tape.
“He’s policing, it’s his job,” Vinnie called, hands stuffed deep within the pockets of his black woollen coat. “Actually, since the promotion it’s detecting, inspecting… chiefing. I believe they all outrank sergeanting, Blake. Mainly because that’s not even a word, at least two of his were.”
Fingertips wrapped tightly around his arm, yanking his attention away from Sergeant Blake’s retort, as Collingwood whispered through the wind. “I said behave or we’ll never get inside.”
“Anyway,” Sergeant Blake chuckled, evidently enjoying his own witty response. “We haven’t called you in, either me or Commander Pattinson.”
“Commander Pattinson’s here,” Collingwood said, swallowing slightly.
“Oh yes,” Blake answered, grinning like an overweight, ill-groomed Cheshire Cat.
“Billy Pattinson,” Vinnie said, drawing out the name like a radio presenter. “Hey, he still owes me a fiver. Best let us through so he can pay up and redeem his good name.”
“Not a chance,” Blake said, stretching out his arms in a vain attempt to block the encroaching Vinnie. “I’m not having civilians on my crime scene, and especially civilians like you.”
“Your crime scene?” Vinnie replied, quirking an eyebrow. “I thought it was Commander Pattinson’s crime scene. Or is he not here yet?”
“Well… he’s will… he’s arriving shortly, he’s just not,” Blake stammered, before being pushed aside by Vinnie, the half-fay clambering over the police tape. “What are you doing?”
“Going into that house,” Vinnie said, pointing at the centre of activity.
“We won’t be long,” Collingwood said, slipping beneath the police tape. “But I’m here on another case and as your commanding officer, Sergeant; you have no right to stop me.”
“I can stop him,” Blake snapped, snatching at Vinnie’s coat.
“I’m a guest,” Vinnie cried with feigned incredulousness, pulling his coat from the stubby fingers of the police officer. “Have you never watched Beauty and the Beast?”
“He’s with me, a witness,” Collingwood explained smoothly.
“Jolly good,” Vinnie said, turning his back on the open-mouthed fool. “Keep guarding the perimeter, you’re doing an excellent job. We shan’t be long.”
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Feb 20, 2011 7:14:16 GMT -5
Each time I have tried to read this sentence - "The street was crammed with police trucks and ambulances, numerous uniformed officers jotting down words within notebooks and talking animatedly into mobile phones. " - it has been difficult to digest. Run on sentence? Better off as two sentences? Slightly odd at the "numerous" bit and it throws me. Not sure what is wrong here but it isn't quite right either.
“Commander Pattinson’s here,” Collingwood said, swallowing slightly. <<< Shouldn't this have a question mark on it? Or is he just doing that awkward whispered repeat thing?
(Loved the comment about the ill-groomed Cheshire cat)
“Well… he’s will… he’s arriving shortly, he’s just not," <<< I know he is stammering but "he's" is wrong here. I think it might be better as "he will" or "he'll"
I enjoyed this :] A fun snippet and Vinnie is just charming! Loved his comment about "only one made-up word". (Please tell me Nat isn't one of the dead-folks?) What did Blake look like, apart from Cheshire cat?
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Post by James on Feb 20, 2011 14:23:24 GMT -5
Oh no, the 'he's will' is quite deliberate. It sounds awkward and a bit uneducated, which is what I'm aiming for. And also quite literally he is Will. William, Billy etc.
And with little characters who are only around for a moment, I tend to give the odd descriptive line and allow the reader to fill in the blanks, so they get to make Blake from the two descriptions I gave.
Thanks for the feedback!
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