Radin
Scribe
The Beacon of Light
Posts: 685
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Post by Radin on Sept 7, 2009 21:34:15 GMT -5
Wow, great read. I'm not one for much of a gramatical evaulation, but as far as everything else, fantastic. Agro's sudden switch of character was a nice touch, and as of right now, I don't know what side i'm rooting for.
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Arlyan
Scribe
/facepalm
Posts: 380
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Post by Arlyan on Sept 14, 2009 12:33:52 GMT -5
I'm a huge fan of this piece, I really want to see it continued. Excellent descriptions, especially regarding character's emotions, it's something you both have quite a talent in. Something I'm not a huge fan of: Denis, a supposedly accomplished spy, has a stutter? To me, a spy is someone utterly confident and able to adapt to any situation. A person with a stutter is someone who is unsure of themselves to the point of being unable to utter a word without stumbling over it. I demand an explanation! I really like how you have created sympathy for both sides, as of now, I can't decide which side I'm voting for. Excellent work. This must continue, stop being lazy and pound out some more.
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Post by Kaez on Sept 14, 2009 14:19:49 GMT -5
See, his stutter is one of my favorite traits of his. It defies his character. A confident, experienced spy who, despite any and all efforts, has an unfixable speech problem.
It's lovely, really. But everyone has their own opinions, of course.
Other than that, yeah, thank you both very much. We -do- have plans to continue this, I'm just not sure when. *eyes Agro*
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Arlyan
Scribe
/facepalm
Posts: 380
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Post by Arlyan on Sept 14, 2009 16:37:18 GMT -5
Is there a story behind his speech problem? Has it always been there? I guess I'm used to understanding quirks ha
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Post by James on Sept 14, 2009 18:08:15 GMT -5
Other than that, yeah, thank you both very much. We -do- have plans to continue this, I'm just not sure when. *eyes Agro* I'm working on it, I'm working on it. I nearly had a post done but it just didn't match the rest of the story so I'm rewriting it. But I'm also busy at the moment. *gives Kaez a bouncy ball* That should buy me some time.
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Sept 20, 2009 17:37:10 GMT -5
I enjoyed this story so far, and all the characters a great deal. I haven't chosen a "side" yet, because I don't really think we're supposed to quite yet. If I MUST choose a side now, I'll remain firmly in the camp of the magnificent wolves at the moment...
One of the largest problems I had reading this, was the awkward and/or improper use of prepositions throughout. I could go back and give specific examples if needed (especially in Reply #2), but I would be willing to bet that just taking the time to go back through and read this out loud, to yourselves, would point out most of the worst offenders. Also, consider not using contractions at all in "formal writing." (Also see Reply #2)
Schro had a big point to make, about comma use at the beginning. There were so many commas used to break up phrases that really should have been turned into sentences "unto themselves." I feel you guys on this one though - I am guilty of the exact same thing. Constantly. All the time. Drive myself insane with it when I edit my own stuff...
Also, when a character thinks a specific thing, it'd be helpful to denote it in a way that shows it is a distinctive thought. For example:
'That was not so clever,' he thought...
As opposed to leaving it open-ended and unannotated as just a "general thought."
Some of the word choice could have been sharpened up or fixed too, for example:
~ When Denis "dove off the path," I didn't need the qualifying words "quite literally," thrown in - "dove" pretty much about says it all.
~ I literally blinked a couple times, when I read about Denis' "... small, sharp, metallic thing... " Mmmm... how about "needle?" The world "dart" itself? Something - anything - but "thing."
~ "Statuesque" in the last sentence - I don't think it means what you think it means.
The dialogue was really good - I genuinely enjoyed every bit of it except for the part where Ricard taunts the guard he's about to kill. For some reason, that just didn't sit well with me there - just didn't fit what I know of men who reach the rank of General, career soldiers who kill only as they must. The sadistic stuff is usually for rank amateurs and tinpot dictators who call themselves "generals." That is simply my opinion on his character, though - your mileage may vary.
And as for the stuttering? I loved it. My son stuttered when he was a very small child - there are a few other "patterns" in a stutter you can try to use, depending on the severity, that might also add to Denis' dialogue. I also noticed the one and only time he didn't stutter, was when he said, "Long live the King." ;D
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Post by Kaez on Sept 20, 2009 20:08:40 GMT -5
My preposition and verb choices have long been remarked upon as odd, but I stand by them. I choose each for a very specific reason -- even some that may be grammatically incorrect in their usage.
The idea of not using contradictions in writing, while very popular, is one that I personally disagree with in full. The total lack of contradictions ruins the flow of writing for me -- sometimes it just seems too far from casual.
I'm not sure, in regards to the specific examples, which ones were mine and which ones were Agro's, but I'm pretty sure that the use of 'thing' was mine. And if it was, I'll agree in full: that was a poor choice.
And I'm glad you enjoyed the stuttering, and noticed such a subtle thing!
Thank you dearly for a very constructive (and quite long!) response. I can say on behalf of both Agro and myself (though I'm sure he'll have his own response) that it is very, very appreciated and we're glad you enjoyed it.
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Sept 20, 2009 20:19:58 GMT -5
Umm... just to be sure, Kaez - you do know I meant "contractions," not "contradictions," right? And since it was something I only noticed in one particular section, it was a bit more glaring as it didn't seem to be a stylistic device you used throughout. And you're very welcome - I'd prefer some honest constructive criticism myself any day of the week, whether it be for my writing or my drawings, whether I agree with it or not. I figure most serious artists do.
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Post by Kaez on Sept 20, 2009 20:26:08 GMT -5
Umm... just to be sure, Kaez - you do know I meant "contractions," not "contradictions," right? And since it was something I only noticed in one particular section, it was a bit more glaring as it didn't seem to be a stylistic device you used throughout. And you're very welcome - I'd prefer some honest constructive criticism myself any day of the week, whether it be for my writing or my drawings, whether I agree with it or not. I figure most serious artists do. Yeah, yeah, I know you said 'contractions' not 'contradictions'. My bad, there.
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