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Post by Kaez on Nov 9, 2009 12:27:24 GMT -5
I agree with Ref on both counts. The necklace established depth and a little pain besides two uses of "wince" would be nice.
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Post by WJChesek ((Evern)) on Nov 9, 2009 12:49:24 GMT -5
I agree with Ref on both counts. The necklace established depth and a little pain besides two uses of "wince" would be nice. I shall fix it come December. Almost to 19K words! And Reffy, they are. So many twists that I never could've planned out are emerging through them. None of the characters are turning out like I planned. And "living-Ev" snuck in under the guise of John Miller. >.> |
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Post by Kaez on Nov 9, 2009 12:57:41 GMT -5
Doing the no-editing-until-December thing, eh?
I couldn't if I tried. I luv editing. I do it immediately after I finish writing a piece.
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Post by WJChesek ((Evern)) on Nov 9, 2009 13:01:43 GMT -5
Doing the no-editing-until-December thing, eh? I couldn't if I tried. I luv editing. I do it immediately after I finish writing a piece. I make sure I have everything spelled correctly, but I get so sidetracked when I edit that I eventually stop all writing for fear it sucks. Thus, if I actually go through the time I need to type it all out, suck or no suck, I will feel like I -have- to edit it. |
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Post by Kaez on Nov 9, 2009 13:03:56 GMT -5
Doing the no-editing-until-December thing, eh? I couldn't if I tried. I luv editing. I do it immediately after I finish writing a piece. I make sure I have everything spelled correctly, but I get so sidetracked when I edit that I eventually stop all writing for fear it sucks. Thus, if I actually go through the time I need to type it all out, suck or no suck, I will feel like I -have- to edit it. I'm the opposite. If I -don't- go back and edit it soon after writing, I'll fear I messed something up terribly. Editing it what gives me the confidence to move on. |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Nov 9, 2009 13:11:07 GMT -5
I'm not editing. Trying to keep spelling correct, punctuation present and fragmented sentences low but that is it. I'd get too side-tracked and worried if I were to spend time editing.
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Post by Kaez on Nov 9, 2009 13:11:35 GMT -5
I guess I'm the only compulsive editor...
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Post by WJChesek ((Evern)) on Nov 11, 2009 11:51:12 GMT -5
Here's another excerpt, possibly the last one I can do. Hell if I know. _________________________________________________________ The three of them took the tender to the the Elevator, Ellie gazing at the screen with big eyes. "What planet like?" She asked, wonder in her voice.
Mason smiled from his seat behind Kara. "Tara's a beautiful planet, it was almost able to support life when humanity chanced across it. You'll just have to wait to see it for yourself, it's really indescribable." Ellie gave a sound of wonder, enthralled by the world that lay at the bottom of the stalk.
"Ellie never on world with no dome. What like?"
Mason nodded. "You can see all the way to the edge of the world in some places. The weather is inclement, and not the regulated stuff you're used to. In fact," he grinned, "you might be a bit chilly."
"Chilly? Ellie no get chilly!" She giggled, almost bouncing around the tender.
Kara grinned from the pilot's seat, pulling the tender in to dock. "Of course not."
Ellie remained in her curious state throughout the elevator ride to the planet's surface, eagerly awaiting a view of the beautiful Tara.
She was not disappointed. The elevator doors opened to a massive panoramic view. The sky glowed a warm orange, the dust glimmering in the red sun's soft glow. Off in the distance, one of Tara's few oceans could be seen, glittering a slightly different shade of orange. But what amazed her most was how far she could see. Ellie, born on Indi and never having left the dome outside of the Red Rover, for her to see as far as the massive horizon of Tara was nearly overwhelming. She could see other cities, farms, fields shimmering in the breeze, all from this one spot. Mason and Kara guided her around the side of the Tower's reception building, showing her their destination for the day: Tara City.
The city itself was enormous to her, glass paned buildings glittering with the dawn sun. That, however, was disorienting. Luyten threw her inner clock off, having been on the Earth Standard for the past weeks, the whole concept of a dawning sun was almost alien to her. To say nothing of all the sights and sounds of a real working eco-system.
Ellie uttered one single word: "Wow..."
Mason nodded. "I know, isn't it beautiful?"
The little girl nodded, suddenly feeling a tad bit inadequate in her tattered clothes.
The captain cracked a smile. "It's my home. A veritable utopia of beauty, from the people to the world itself."
"Why'd Jim-Person leave then?" Ellie asked, her eyes riveted to the view.
"Because," Mason sighed, "I didn't belong. I still don't belong." A deep breath later, and he nodded to himself. "Kara, why don't you and Ellie go shopping for some new clothes? Can't have her walking around Tara looking like a beggar off of Indi, can we?"
Kara nodded, blushing a bit for some reason that Mason did not recognize. "Sure thing. Where will we meet you?"
"I'll be getting the dangerous part of the day out of the way, then we can take care of another matter of business."
Kara and Ellie frowned at almost the exact same time. "Dangerous?" Kara asked for them both.
Mason raised his hands, shrugging. "Relax, I'll be fine. I just don't want Ellie around for this part is all."
Ellie placed her hands on her little hips, mimicing Kara. "Ellie go with!"
"Later, kid. Not right now." And without giving them more time to protest, he was off, rounding a few corners just to make sure that they wouldn't follow him. After he was certain that they weren't nearby anymore, he wandered down to Tara City's downtown, in search of a place that in all probability, should not still be in business. And yet, lo and behold, he found it, a tiny little tavern on the corner of Fifth and Main. The Redwatcher. |
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Dec 13, 2009 21:22:39 GMT -5
(( Hmmm... all righty, looks like we have another "I didn't edit anything, let's let Mel try to turn off her auto-editor and get through it painfully slowly... " XD I have to say, your prologue did not do at all what a prologue should do - pull me in and capture me, and make me want to read the rest of what you had. The technical descriptions were bland and over-long, and some of the sentences were probably unnecessary - and honestly, I'm still not entirely sure what happened. HOWEVER, beginning with the bar scene, much of the rest of what you were writing was absolutely charming and enjoyable. I absolutely loved what you did with the stowaway Ellie, and their first meeting. It was probably a bit wordy for the beginning, and you might consider the other implications of stowaways on a ship (particularly if we're talking about pir-... er... privateers?  ) Your dialogue is, on the whole, believable and good. I want to see more, though, of the plot of the story - and taking Ellie to Tara, I think, might have been a part of the "larger picture?" That, too, was very enjoyable - you did a great job at painting the word pictures there.  ETA: And no Kaez, you are NOT the only compulsive editor... Not by a long shot... >< hahaha)) |
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Post by James on Dec 13, 2009 21:38:49 GMT -5
All right, so I’ve gone through the prologue for the assignment:
Now since other people have gone through picking up mistakes and stuff, I decided to just keep an eye on that style of narrative that I mentioned from the prologue.
So:
It’s getting better. That last excerpt was far smoother to read and I didn’t struggle with it like I did with the Red Rover. The narrative felt more like narrative and it had some nice flashes of imagery such as:
“Off in the distance, one of Tara's few oceans could be seen, glittering a slightly different shade of orange.”
However, then you nearly strayed right back into this formal documentary narrative with the next sentence:
“But what amazed her most was how far she could see. Ellie, born on Indi and never having left the dome outside of the Red Rover, for her to see as far as the massive horizon of Tara was nearly overwhelming.”
As Kaez once said, show us, don’t tell us.
Other than that it was a great improvement on the Prologue and this time I did get hooked. The dialogue was believable, it was at a nice flow and tempo and the characters are becoming interesting.
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