Chapter One

[JMDavis ((Silver))]

A few mistakes as has been said, but it was very interesting and I really want to read more and find out about these mysterious Phantoms. Can't wait for the next chapter =)

[WJChesek ((Evern))]

Not much that probably hasn't already been said, but, here goes.

Caught one awkward spot, when you described Anthony, and his leathers.

Other than that, it was a good read, and I found myself wanting to know what came next, though, that might not matter much, seeing as how I want to know how a lot of stories go on.

[AEShenhav (Ali)]

(( Ah, you English and your wands...

That being said, this was a fantastic piece. Your words flowed like liquid silk, the story so far is captivating and you grammar if flawless. Not that I'm holding up an Agro pompom here, but...

*waves pompoms*

I like how you give descriptions for you characters, gave a setting and introduced an enemy all within the first fourth of the first chapter. It drew me in after the first few paragraphs and the suspense was superb. Actually, my only complaint is the movement of the story. Not that this first part moved at less than a good pace, it's just that I'm hoping you can introduce the rest of this underground world later without making it boring for the reader.

Keep that in mind and as long as the revels aren't crap, it'll be a wonderful and entertaining story. Keep it up matey. ))

[James]

Oct 20, 2009 13:29:46 GMT -5 AEShenhav (Ali) said:

(( Ah, you English and your wands...

That being said, this was a fantastic piece. Your words flowed like liquid silk, the story so far is captivating and you grammar if flawless. Not that I'm holding up an Agro pompom here, but...

*waves pompoms*

I like how you give descriptions for you characters, gave a setting and introduced an enemy all within the first fourth of the first chapter. It drew me in after the first few paragraphs and the suspense was superb. Actually, my only complaint is the movement of the story. Not that this first part moved at less than a good pace, it's just that I'm hoping you can introduce the rest of this underground world later without making it boring for the reader.

Keep that in mind and as long as the revels aren't crap, it'll be a wonderful and entertaining story. Keep it up matey. ))

((Thanks Ali!

Obviously revealing the underground world is going to be tricky without just having huge sprawling paragraphs that read like a history book. But I'm going to be using two methods.

A: Stuff is going to be revealed in absolute passing.

B: Where the revealing will get heavy...I plan to throw it into a scene that is so tense that you're on the edge of your seat. You know how after Gandalf explain everything to Frodo AND then you hear what you think something outside.

You're going to be hearing that thing first.

*sage nod*

Also Chapter Two is nearly done. Rewriting a part of it. I know, I know! I'm breaking my own rule of not editing as I go!

Sadly, you won't get the Chapter though. For obvious reasons. But I'll throw you guys stuff every now and then.))