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Post by Injin on Oct 19, 2009 20:27:31 GMT -5
Awesome. This seems to be a great story in the making, with short, but sweet chapters. The characterization of the Queen seems a bit straight-forward, with no undertones, as do he rest of the characters except for Otengo, who seems like the only character for now with much depth. Otherwise this is a very well written story.
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Post by ARSmith ((Wolfeh)) on Oct 19, 2009 20:50:03 GMT -5
[[ Ahh! Loving it so far! Keep up the good work, Evern! :]! ]]
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R.J.D ((Thasiloron))
Junior Author
Combo-Breaker and Failure at Life
Tremblez, ennemis du Roi!
Posts: 3,183
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Post by R.J.D ((Thasiloron)) on Oct 19, 2009 22:49:31 GMT -5
((Well, this appears to be a pretty well-written story, but there seems to be a lack of a backstory, mostly regarding Otengo. There's not much on any relatives or his poverty. That could just come in later chapters, though. Yay flashbacks!
One more thing: the prologue has the Empress' name as Kuvai, while the chapters have it as Ruvai.
Overall, the story is quite detailed. That's all I can poke at.))
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Post by JLStewart (( Nightwatch )) on Oct 20, 2009 1:49:08 GMT -5
((Personally I kind of enjoyed reading this. I like the desert theme.
Although I do think a few more descriptions of the locations would have been good for the reader. You don't need to drown us in descriptions, but we need a bit more so we can better imagine the scenery.
other than this just a few grammatical errors. Thanks for making this short story ;D))
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Post by JMDavis ((Silver)) on Oct 20, 2009 16:23:07 GMT -5
(( Everyone's pretty much covered what I would say. This is a really great story and you should write more.
Soon.
>.> ))
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Post by Raquel on Oct 20, 2009 16:47:51 GMT -5
Well, the dialogue could use some work - as has been said - and, as I also believe was said, some character description certainly wouldn't hurt.
Other than that...hm...
Maybe some more use of the characters' senses, if this wouldn't fall under 'more description.' What do they hear, smell, feel, etc.
And, ah...that's it. Keep goin'!
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Post by Frostglare on Oct 26, 2009 15:19:56 GMT -5
FINALLY, after much delay I managed to read this. Much of what I wanted to say has already been said by others. The prologue is certainly my favorite, with its rich description. If you don't mind, perhaps you could add even more description by telling us what their facial and body features look like (at least once, when they are first introduced) instead of just what they are wearing. Still, whatever amount of description is appreciated. I'd add a bit more action during the dialogue, too. Overall a very nice story.
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