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Post by James on Nov 7, 2009 16:38:02 GMT -5
((This is just going to be a place where I drop some small excerpts as I write. They'll be nothing big, like entire chapters, probably only a few paragraphs from every other chapter.)) Start of Chapter Three A Dream Colin felt the soft grass slide beneath his feet as he clambered towards the peak of the mound, the sun disappearing behind the rolling hills that dotted the surroundings. He didn’t remember why he was travelling up the forgotten grass but a sense of urgency was shrouding around him, clinging to him and urging him to press forward. He knew that he needed to reach the top. As one step followed another, Colin dimly realised that his staff laid forgotten somewhere at the beginning of his journey. The thought didn’t bring terror to him, only relief that his burden had finally past. He was free.
After so many years of fighting and running he was at last finished, his soul released from his strained body. It was a calming thought and thinking back over his life, Colin smiled. He knew that it had been a long since he had been able to smile and the grin grew further. How great freedom is, Colin wondered as he saw the tip of the hill come into view. His journey was finally over.
It was a breathtaking sight from the hilltop. As far as the eye could see the greenness of grass and trees mixed with the bright vibrant colours of plants and flowers and the final golden rays of light danced across the sky as the sun vanished from sight. Colin knew that he had never felt more contented in his entire life. His eyes scanned across the scenery before settling across the ridge that appeared upon the edge of the hill. He knew what is was for. He knew he had to jump.
The thought didn’t scare him as he crossed to the ridge, carefully overlooking the edge of it. The drop would kill him and yet he didn’t feel any fear. Colin knew that someone would catch him. He didn’t know how or even why but he knew that it would happen, the inevitability of it even more certain than his own death. His bare feet sliding across the smooth ground, he took a steadying breath and walked off the ridge.
A sinking feeling lurched in Colin’s stomach immediately, the air rushing past him as he plummeted towards the ground. Something was wrong. He knew no one was there. No one would catch him from his fall. Colin could only fall closer to the ground with the enlighten truth that he had been betrayed.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Nov 7, 2009 16:51:25 GMT -5
Oh jeez! Wow. Just wow. Suspense and horror revealed was shocking. Sounds like a book I'd wanna read. Great job.
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Post by James on Nov 14, 2009 19:31:23 GMT -5
((I'm posting more excerpts than I really mean too...but I enjoyed this too much. Again unedited.)) Introducing an Antagonist Tywlk Foth wasn’t surprised at the look that the vicar gave him as he opened the door; after all every human gave him that same look. Perhaps it was the weathered and wrinkled face topped with wispy white hair that made it look like he should have died twenty years ago. It could have even been the mismatched clothing of striped trousers with a long blue trench coat and a silky maroon waistcoat that covered a thin and brittle form. Largely though he decided that it were his black colourless eyes that were now staring into the priest’s shining blue eyes.
“What can I do for you vicar?” Tywlk asked, smiling as he surveyed the old clergyman in front of him. He was almost as thin and crippled as Tywlk looked, his cheeks sullen and a battered brown leather hat lay upon his head. Tywlk’s smile wasn’t a sign of welcome; it was a smile at the thought that a holy life had clearly done nothing to help this vicar.
“It’s…It’s Christmas soon,” the vicar stuttered, seemingly still shocked at Tywlk’s appearance
“Is it? I hadn’t noticed,” Tywlk said in cheery tone, portraying not a hint of sarcasm.
“Ye…yes, yes it is,” the vicar answered, slowly pulling himself together. “And I was wondering if you would p-p-perhaps like to join us for a Christmas Eve service?”
“That is a nice offer vicar, I might have to take you up on it,” Tywlk replied, smiling as the priest smiled a decaying mouth of teeth at finally winning someone over. “It must be freezing out there doing the rounds at this hour of the night, please come in and have a cup of tea.”
“Oh no, I couldn’t impose on you like that,” the vicar quickly answered.
“Nonsense, I insist,” Tywlk said, moving out of the way to let the vicar step inside. “Anyway, I want to ask you a few questions if you don’t mind answering them.”
“Certainly, ask away,” the vicar said as Tywlk led him into the kitchen and sat him down at an old antique table. Tywlk could tell that the priest was surprised that he was being seated at such a fine table and once again Tywlk was left wondering if the table was just for show.
“So you’re an Anglican aren’t you, vicar?” Tywlk asked, flipping on the kettle and leaning against the kitchen counter.
“Yes I am and have been for most my life. Was born to a mother that lost most of her family during World War II, she rejected God for it. It took me a while and a lot of mistakes to realise that it was God testing our strength, our beliefs.”
“Well I was raised a Catholic, a long time ago now,” Tywlk grinned, interrupting the vicar’s dribble. “But I quickly became disillusioned with it, you know, the whole message of Catholicism doesn’t sit with me.”
“It’s the same with a lot of my flock, raised Catholic but grow tired of the most literal translations of the holy texts,” the vicar replied.
“It’s also the little things too, vicar, I mean some of the stuff just seems pathetic looking back at it now.”
“What do you find pathetic, perhaps I can help you with your faith,” the vicar said understandingly.
“Well, you know this whole idea of a Devil as this horned fallen angel, it’s codswallop,” Tywlk replied.
“Ah, I see, most people hav…”
“When everyone knows it’s a woman,” Tywlk interrupted.
“What?” the vicar said sharply.
“The Devil,” Tywlk said moving from the counter and towards the priest at the table. “The deliverer of chaos and destruction, the corrupter of human souls, evil in physical form. It’s a woman not some horned angel. Sometimes I can’t believe how far humanity is away from the mark, I’m so glad I shredded off all of my humanity long ago. It feels so good. Or maybe bad, I don’t know anymore, vicar.”
The vicar was paralysed in fear as Tywlk bore down on him, hands outstretched as tendrils of black smoke shot out from his fingertips. They shot around the vicar like little snakes, holding him tight against the chair as he finally began to struggle in fear. They wrapped around his wrists and ankles, holding them still against the vicar’s desperate writhing. He began to scream in pain as the black tendrils burned into his skin, racking him with pain.
“Quiet now, pass easily to your God,” Tywlk smirked, laying a hand across the struggling vicar’s chest. His entire hand began to glow red with fire, causing the vicar’s screams to become even higher as flames licked across his body. The vicar’s eyes flickered one final time against the pain before they collapsed shut. In the silence that followed Tywlk let the black tendrils dissipate and the charred body of the priest slumped to the floor with a dull thump, dead. |
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Dec 2, 2009 22:15:58 GMT -5
First off, Agro, I love your writing! Really hoping you finish this novel and get published so I can buy it  - The description of Tywlk Foth was amusing. - “Ye…yes, yes it is,” the vicar answered, slowly pulling: Did you intend to leave the S off? He could be stuttering but I wasn't sure since you also typed the stutter. - Tywlk grinned, interrupting the vicar’s dribble: LOVED. Really character building. Livened up the piece. - in pain as the black tendrils burned into his skin, racking him with pain: Wanted a little more description here. What is the black smoke doing inside him? (Unless this is a PG13 type thing, then it is understandable) Oh! Isn't he a lovely character? ;D Very well written. |
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Post by James on Dec 2, 2009 22:34:25 GMT -5
Cheers, Reffy.
Yeah, at the moment it's a balancing act. Because I want to go into detail about what's happening, I also want to keep it friendly for a younger audience so I have a wide target range, so I have to balance stuff out really.
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Post by Jenny (Reffy) on Dec 2, 2009 22:41:58 GMT -5
Figured that was what you were doing  PG13. I've recently found I'm more of a YA writer It's a fun audience to write for, and adults sometimes enjoy it too (eg. Potter) Good choice - but still wanted more details!  I'm a detail/info bug! |
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Post by tamwyn on Dec 11, 2009 18:59:08 GMT -5
“Colin dimly realised that his staff laid forgotten somewhere at the beginning of his journey”
I think “laid” should be lay, here.
“Largely though he decided that it were his black colourless eyes that were now staring into the priest’s shining blue eyes.”
Should not “were” be “was” in this sentence? I’m not sure if that’s an English English thing or not.
““It’s…It’s Christmas soon,” the vicar stuttered, seemingly still shocked at Tywlk’s appearance”
Missing a period at the end there.
“It’s a woman not some horned angel.”
Missing a comma between woman and not. Or perhaps a semicolon.
“He began to scream in pain as the black tendrils burned into his skin, racking him with pain.”
Using pain so soon after using it seems a unprofessional, to me. I always try to avoid it. Perhaps one of the “pain”s could be “agony” instead?
Those are all the grammar mistakes I caught. As for the overall essence of it, the excerpt would definitely make me want to read it, though the “A Dream” was sort of confusing out of context.
But, I liked what you entered into the Writing Assignment awhile back, so I think I’d buy this book if I saw it on the Bookstore shelves.
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Post by Meleta/Isoldaa on Dec 12, 2009 23:12:06 GMT -5
(( It's very hard for me to turn off the "auto-editor" in my head, and just read to enjoy, but I did my very best. All your excerpts were a good deal of fun to read in and of themselves. Just some things that Tam and Reffy might have missed: "A Dream" - "... that his burden had finally passed." - I do believe the second sentence of the third paragraph is a bit of a run-on, could probably use some breaking up at the very end. - I'm a little confused - Colin knew the fall would kill him, but that someone would catch him? But then at the end, obviously, he was betrayed and no one would catch him? He'd still die, but... what would be the difference? I liked your last paragraph very much - to make it heart stoppingly "immediate," though, you might consider moving around a couple adverbs/adjectives. "Introducing an Antagonist" - The second sentence of the second paragraph is a run-on. - "... Tywlk replied, smiling as the priest smiled a decaying mouth of teeth at finally winning someone over." Love the imagery, but the sentence is a little awkward, with the smile derivative twice. Maybe something like "... Tywlk replied, grinning as the priest flashed a victorious - if decay-filled - smile." - “It’s also the little things too, vicar, I mean some of the stuff just seems pathetic looking back at it now.”
“What do you find pathetic, perhaps I can help you with your faith,” Both need some periods in there, methinks.  Absolutely adored the part where Tywlk reveals the Devil is a woman, and the dialogue he has before killing the vicar. The only other thing I'd add would be the second to last paragraph, a few too many of the sentences are begun with pronouns. These excerpts were a lot of fun, and I already love your character Colin, anyway. I very much look forward to seeing more of him, and whatever other excerpts you'd like to share our way. )) |
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Post by James on Dec 13, 2009 0:15:02 GMT -5
love your character Colin, anyway. Someone has to. He doesn't receive much of my affection because there's two characters who are introduced later who I'm itching to write about. And Colin looks like a douche getting all the limelight. ... I question my insanity after just thinking that. Also on the whole Colin falling/catching thing. It's that Colin knows the drop -would- kill him, but it's not going to because someone's going to catch him... ... But they don't. Thanks Mel for the great review! |
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PG13. I've recently found I'm more of a YA writer 
I'm a detail/info bug!
